The Goddamn Batman!

Worst comics in history #1

Star Wars 48: The Third Law:


I've read many, many comics in my life. Therefore the amount of suckiness to pass in front of my eyes is. well, massive. I love Star Wars and I love comics... unfortunately lots of times that's not a happy marriage

This old 80s comics has to filed under the folder "If you thought the prequels were bad...".

The plot goes like pretty much like this:

Princes Leia, the droids and some count fly to, let's call it Planet Switzerland to try getting a loan to buy new X-wing space ships. See, princess Leia is on a business trip. Let me repeat this... the rebel Alliance, an underground group is trying to secure a loan, in the open, using the royal crown jewels of Alderaan as collateral... this is as bad as all the political babble in the prequels... it's downright stupid. Not the kind of Star Wars you want to read about age 7.

Just in customs they see a guy in one of those "Total Recall" x-rays machines getting gunned down by the police for trying to smuggle gold out of the planet. This guys take their customs seriously...

To make matters worse, daddy, and by that I mean Darth Vader, happens to be in Planet Switzerland too, trying to secure another loan for the Empire or some shit like that, maybe he was on a holiday. Strangely enough Vader ponces around with an entourage of 3 freaks.

In Planet Switzerland all citizens are obliged to carry firearms, although is totally forbidden for non-citizens, those are some of those 3 laws that the episode refers too.

So Vader and his minions spend long time trying to kill the viceroy or count or whatever his title is by... making the fat minion jump on top of Leia's car, using telekinesis to blow the fella away in a weapons demonstration and by turning one of henchmen into a poisonous butterfly. Butterfly guy, a Dracula lookalike, gets spotted by 3po, who happens to know shitloads about butterflies, is up to r2 to spray the bitch and princess Leia steps on the the poor fella.
Dear Vader, couldn't you just force-choke the asshole?, asked little Carlos, age 7 while reading the comic

The twist comes when Vader ambushes the guys and kills the viceroy with his lightsabre, only to discover that the viceroy is a robot. It all gets filmed by R2 and the rebels proceed to try to blackmail Vader. Because, you see, this was their plan all along, the robot was going to be discovered in customs, they were counting on vader to kill the guy once the loan was secured.

But oh, cruel destiny, Vader's plan then gets discovered.... he has stolen the Alderaan crown jewels, that was his intention since the very beginning. Darth Vader, scourge of the Jedi, the most dangerous man in the known universe, wanted to steal some jewels. This is all shades of wrong.

To add insult to injury, this was written by Larry Hama, the best Wolverine scribe ever and the man that turned G.I. Joe into an actually good comic.

In conclusion, this comic is awesomely terrible, so bad that is worth reading just once.

Random observations

The other day in the pub I saw the living definition of irony...

...a guy with a broken leg and wearing a Cobra Kai t-shirt


Wrongest thing to say after sex:

"That'll do, pig. That'll do"

English bread

Just in case anyone needed further evidence of how dangerous the 80's were

The A-team

It's my firm believe that the A-team had just one script written for the whole duration of the show and they just changed actors and locations from episode to episode. More than once they repeated actors, even in main roles. Michael Ironside played a different baddie twice and a guy that played one of the Military Police colonels that chase the team had played before a mob boss. Also he's the only guy ever dying in the A-team.


... and then there's this guy











The basic A-Team episode goes like this:

* Nice people gets bullied by bullies, mobsters, dirty cops... usually regarding some real state claims.

* Good looking niece/daughter of the bullied old man tries to hire the A-team, talking to Hannibal in disguise. Hannibal refuses at first, but when she's leaving disappointed he takes off his costume and tells her "You just hired the A-team"

* Face breaks Murdoch out of the asylum... funny enough we never see them get Murdoch go back. Murdoch will develop a stupid delusion during the episode that will annoy the shit out of B.A.. After briefly studying psychology I can assure you that Murdoch is not crazy, he's just a twat.My favourite Murdoch gimmick is his alter ego, the superhero "Captain taxi"

* B.A. is adamant of getting in no-plane but he gets drugged and he gets in plane. No matter where they go in the world it looks like southern California

* Face cons someone, usually to get some mean of transportation or information

* The A-team attest the situation and have first confrontation with baddies. The bad guys will always have a big guy for B.A. to fight, they will punch each other at first with no effect. Said big guy has also taken out first either Face or Murdoch.

* In fights there's always a shot of Face or Hannibal jumping from somewhere tall, the shot is slow mo and taken from bellow. If Hannibal is the one doing a stunt you can always notice the white wig on the stuntman. That's drinking game worth it.

* The bad guys re-group and capture the A-Team. Instead of killing them they'll lock the guys somewhere with lots of tools

* B.A. befriends some kid and Face and/or Hannibal flirt with the ladies

* For the final showdown the A-team will armor some vehicles and built weird weapons in a classic montage. In one episode Murdoch is halfway around the country from the rest of the Team and still you can see his reflection on some rims when the montage happens. This montages drove whole generations to compulsive DIY and planted the seed for "Pimp my ride".

* The A-Team strikes back and save the day, without ever killing anyone. You have to wonder what the hell did they do in the 'nam
In the final fight some things will always happen. B.A. taking out the big bad guy, car chases in which cars flips and the bad guys get out of them stunned, cars will drive over the camera (I used to love that shot as a kid), Hannibal will take out the leader with a one liner (note that Hannibal never lights his cigar).

* Hannibal states once again that he loves it when a plan comes together, B.A. throws Murdock to a river or something. Face or Hannibal snog a girl before leaving. I'm pretty sure those two are gay and the whole girl thing is a act.. and B.A. totally have the hots for Murdoch. It's a closeted gay relationship, pretty much like Odo and Quark in "Star trek: deep space 9"

* Goodbyes are cut short because the military police is coming. Some episodes included the pesky military police making the mission harder, which is great to seeing the team outsmart the army. Episode ends in freeze frame

Of course there's a few variations in the scripts, which brings us great tv moments like this

Licence and registration please

For all those that think that things were going to get better with Boris as Mayor of London.

I ride a bicycle, but I really think they are going too far with their ways of enforcing the congestion charge

An inconvenient truth

"Murder she wrote" run for 264 episodes. That's 264 times that Jessica Fletcher went somewhere and a person was murdered. I'm appalled that the police never made the connection.
Jessica fletcher is one of the biggest serial killers in history and nobody noticed.

Even more serious, as Fletcher always manages to find the guilty part, and by that I mean she plants evidence and makes them beleive they are guilty, there's 264 innocent people in jail at least. Who knows how many of them have been executed?

This madness must stop, she has to face justice

for starters....

I have to start this blog with the most amazing thing ever... just for this we should be glad the internet was created